Late this week.  Too much sinning;  not enough sleeping.

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The best Barbie piece I have seen was sent out in our May 2, 1997
issue of Medium Rare Humor, which you can get from
http://econometrics.net/MRHindex.html.
Here are a couple more:

>From Denis Greening:

Hacker Barbie

(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products,
the "Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released next month. The
aim of these dolls is to negate the stereotype that women are
numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.

This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie`s very own
X-terminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA’s "In a Nutshell"
series. The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up shirt and a
pair of well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio all-purpose
watch, and glasses with lenses thick enough to set ants on fire.
(Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional.)

The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen
without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 16
hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such
as "What’s your Internet address?", "I like TCP/IP!", "Bummer! Your
kernel must have gotten trashed," "Can’t you grep that file?",
and "DEC’s Alpha AXP is awesome!"

"We are very excited about this product," said Ken Olsen, Marketing
Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage
incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." (A year ago, Mattel released
Barbie dolls that say, "Math is hard," with a condescending companion
Ken.) The Hacker Barbie`s Ken is an incompetent management consultant
who frequently asks Barbie for help.

The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of
Barbie dolls. Naomi Falodji says, "I believe that these new dolls will
finally terminate the notion that women are inherently inferior when
it comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken`s
hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and
oppress the masses." Mattel made no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they will fall behind the children
technologically when the Hacker Barbie comes out.  "My daughter Jenny
plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie for two days," says Mrs. Mary
Carlson of rural Oxford, Mississippi, "and now she pays my credit
card bill online. Got no idea how she does it, but she surely does it.
I just don’t wanna be looked upon as some dumb mama.

"Mattel will be offering free training courses for those who
purchase the Hacker Barbie. The future Hacker Barbie will
include several variations to deal with the complex aspects
of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail" will teach computer ethics to
youngsters, while "BARBIE RITES LIKE BIFF!!!" will serve as an
introduction to expository writing.

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>From The Placebo Page at placebo@llano.austin1.com:

A note forwarded from Mattel's HR Dept

Chief Executive Officer
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA

Dear Sir:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every
year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing
skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake
tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to
ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!  There had better be some
changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide
meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it.)

So, here's my resolution/wish list:

 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
    sweatshirt.  I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much
    smaller are these bathing suits gonna get?  Do you have any
    idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling
    up your butt?

 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferable
    white.  What  bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and
    MOLD underwear to my skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!

 3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo
    over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken.  And what's
    with that earring anyway?  If I'm gonna have to suffer with
    him at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
    Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

 5. Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have
    to twist, just get it done.

 6. A sports bra.  To wear until I get the surgery.

 7. A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it.
How about a systems analyst?  Or better yet, an advertising exec!

 8. A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with
    a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice
    cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my
    very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs;
    or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch
    and equipped with several packs of gum.

 9. No more McDonald's endorsements.  The grease is wrecking
    my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options.  It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Okay, Mr. CEO, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution
to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.  If
you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for
next Christmas.  It's that simple.

Yours Truly,

Barbie
Dreamhouse
Malibu, CA

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>From the Mythteller:

A supposedly true story from Orange County  A man goes to a
party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let
them take him home. He says no - he only lives  a mile away.
About five blocks from party the police pull him over for weaving
and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts,
the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a
house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put,
they will be right back - and they run down the street to the
robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive
home.  When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and
to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu
and has been in bed all day.  A few hours later the police knock on
the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They
ask to see him and she replies that his is in bed with the flu and has
been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see
his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes
them to the garage and opens the door where they find:   the police
car, lights still flashing.  This is allegedly a true story, told by the
driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.

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Also from the Mythteller:

Property title

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing
(Administration)   loan  for a client.  He was told that the loan
would be granted if he  could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of
property being offered  as collateral. The title to the property dated
back to 1803, which took  the lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to FHA, he received the following
reply:  "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan
application,   we note that the request is supported by an Abstract
of Title.  While  we  compliment the able manner in which you
prepared and presented the  application, we must point out that you
have only cleared the Title  to the proposed collateral property back
to the year 1803.  Before final  approval can be accorded, it will be
necessary to clear the title back to it's origin."Annoyed, the
lawyer responded as follows:  "Your letter regarding Titles in Case
No. 189156 has been received. I  note that you wish to have Titles
extended further than the 194 years  covered by the present
application. I was unaware that any educated  person in this
country, particularly those working in the property  arena, would
not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. From France in
1803, the year of origin identified in our application.    For the
edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land
prior to U.S. Ownership was obtained from France, which had
acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into
possession of  Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492
by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been
granted the privilege of seeking a  new route to India by the then
reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman
and careful about titles, almost as much  as the FHA, took the
precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her
jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.  Now the  Pope, as I'm sure
you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of  God. And
God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I
believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the
world called Louisiana. I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we have
our Title?"

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>From Vicky Clarke:

WINNERS OF THE "WORST ANALOGIES EVER WRITTEN IN A
HIGH-SCHOOL ESSAY"CONTEST

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
highschools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door
open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled
with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

>From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
"Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck
Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:\flw.quid5328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by
mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie
this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall
Man."  (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on
a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
[Unknown]

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TGIF,
John
 
 
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